I have to continuously remind myself that it is okay not to be okay. It is okay not to have it all together right now. It is okay to doubt everyone in my life and doubt everything that i have done. I lived my whole life in fear, fear of loosing people, not being wanted or favored from friends, co workers and even family. I alternate between faces and personality so everyone could be pleased and between the switches and wardrobe changes I lost myself, i lost my personality, my character and my goals. I became who i thought the people around me wanted to be.
Someone sat me down once and told me all the different adjectives they retrieved describing who i am or who i was explained to be, and i did not recognize who this person was. I did not understand when this new character was added to my play list. The most important rule of a one man show is, never have too many characters that you loose the point of the story. I became labeled as the outrageously loud Nigerian girl that crave attention instead of the emotionally unstable Nigerian girl that does not want to be treated as a a charity case or a sob story. I became labeled as the wild dancing fast girl that never sit still instead of the girl that escapes her problems when she hears the beat of the drums or the rhythm of music. I lost myself trying to hold on to friends and family. I kept a list of their likes and program myself to like them.
I lost myself running after people who did not have any idea of who they were or wanted to be. I slowed myself down so i wouldn’t leave them behind and each time i disappoint or do not make their expectations of what they wanted me to be. I become a topic of discussion among the same people i changed for, My life became their circus show, I became the freak show in the cage that everyone is lining up to see and examine. I have wasted Energy on relationships and friendships that were not meant for me, all of this pain and confusion all so i wont be alone.
I woke up one day with no space to bleed from, No more tears to release. I slowly started to look for myself, As i started to look i found out so many amazing things about me that could not be explored or embraced because it was covered up with the different masks and wardrobes. I cut my hair off, set the wardrobe on fire murderer the different characters and ignored the world. The best feeling in the world is finding out that your fear was nothing but your imagination playing tricks on you. Setting a farm on fire and starting over does more good to the soil and land than trying to replant over and over with a new technique. IT IS OKAY TO BE ALONE. I did not need everyone i wanted.