Masks after Masks, Layers, and Layers of paint and disguises, Who am I today? Truth is sometimes, I, myself have no clue. I am this with family, and that with friends. I have created personalities and egos to hide pains and cover up the scars and most importantly protect what’s left of this almost empty shell I call self.
Two Mondays ago I walked away from my job, A job that I prayed for before getting it and then prayed every day to just make it to the next day after getting it. I was vulnerable and for once my planner was completely empty no plans, no ideas just a bunch of inputs from the bleachers. I felt numb and the fear of being a failure was the only thing I had on my mind. In a span of a week of being without a job, I reached out to 5 different cities with hopes to run away and start over. I panicked and started thinking of the worst things possible. I planned out bills for the next 2 months without having to ask anyone for help. ” They will all laugh at you.” I did not know how to share my emotions with anyone so like always, I put on another mask and painted on my smile. (That’s the money maker, “Amazing smile and Beautiful eyes I was told”. I must have forgotten my mask on because after applying to over 30 jobs I woke up Tuesday morning at peace with my decision, and with the biggest smile. I went out with my little sister to get a much-needed Manicure and Pedicure, ( Mask still on, If anything I don’t want her to ever see me down, Sometimes I wonder who is older ?, who is stronger ?) But as long as I am around her I have to make sure that I look strong and I got it all planed out. In the middle of her telling me what my next step should be I got a phone call for an interview.
Long story short a week after walking out on my dream job without a plan, I got a job somewhere else, A job that did not make me feel like I was going to fail or I wasn’t good enough. Getting the job was amazing but the interview was the best part. I was interviewed by someone whom I can tell has a couple of masks herself. One question to another, One conversation to another and she smiled and began to explain that things are down for a while but not permanently. She was in foster care all her life and never got adopted but with all that she continued on her journey through life and she made it, She went to university and graduated, She didn’t have her own family or support system, She had masks and face paints and Wahlaaaah Magic. I use to think that having a closet full of Masks made me crazy I felt as if I was unstable, but I’ve come to the realization that we all have them, and its more than okay to use them as we please. (As some use it for good, Some will also use it for evil) We all have different ways to get over challenges and everyday obstacles. It is sometimes okay to fake it till we make it, Just know where the thin line is drawn and when to ask for help. New job, Less Stress and no room for negativity. I am in a good place, But before getting here I felt numb to everyone and everything around me. I was afraid and disappointed in my self. (I’ve never been a quitter, but there’s a first time for everything.) Some places are not meant for us, We are there to learn something or gain something. Nothing lasts forever, It is all a phase, we just have to find a way to make it through.
This experience made me realize how thankful I am for the people in my life. The ones that were willing to change up their life to make room for me, and the ones that were not ready to let me go. Thank you guys. I LOVE most OF YOU. (JK….or am I……..NO JK, JK)