I have to continuously remind myself that it is okay not to be okay. It is okay not to have it all together right now. It is okay to doubt everyone in my life and doubt everything that i have done. I lived my whole life in fear, fear of loosing people, not being wanted or favored from friends, co workers and even family. I alternate between faces and personality so everyone could be pleased and between the switches and wardrobe changes I lost myself, i lost my personality, my character and my goals. I became who i thought the people around me wanted to be.
Someone sat me down once and told me all the different adjectives they retrieved describing who i am or who i was explained to be, and i did not recognize who this person was. I did not understand when this new character was added to my play list. The most important rule of a one man show is, never have too many characters that you loose the point of the story. I became labeled as the outrageously loud Nigerian girl that crave attention instead of the emotionally unstable Nigerian girl that does not want to be treated as a a charity case or a sob story. I became labeled as the wild dancing fast girl that never sit still instead of the girl that escapes her problems when she hears the beat of the drums or the rhythm of music. I lost myself trying to hold on to friends and family. I kept a list of their likes and program myself to like them.
I lost myself running after people who did not have any idea of who they were or wanted to be. I slowed myself down so i wouldn’t leave them behind and each time i disappoint or do not make their expectations of what they wanted me to be. I become a topic of discussion among the same people i changed for, My life became their circus show, I became the freak show in the cage that everyone is lining up to see and examine. I have wasted Energy on relationships and friendships that were not meant for me, all of this pain and confusion all so i wont be alone.
I woke up one day with no space to bleed from, No more tears to release. I slowly started to look for myself, As i started to look i found out so many amazing things about me that could not be explored or embraced because it was covered up with the different masks and wardrobes. I cut my hair off, set the wardrobe on fire murderer the different characters and ignored the world. The best feeling in the world is finding out that your fear was nothing but your imagination playing tricks on you. Setting a farm on fire and starting over does more good to the soil and land than trying to replant over and over with a new technique. IT IS OKAY TO BE ALONE. I did not need everyone i wanted.
It is possible to be at ease.
It is possible to have enough.
It is possible to feel at peace.
It is possible to be enough.
It is possible to accomplish every goal you set.
It is possible to re-brand yourself.
It is absolutely positively possible to be happy.
It is always a guaranteed possibility to find yourself.
Everything is possible, With the right state of mind. The correct attitude can motivate us enough to turn all things impossible and make them possible. It is Possible for a 40 year old woman to get a GED, go back to school and get a degree and by the age 50 be enroll in a Doctoral program. The world is full of people who are making the impossible happen everyday, They are being bold and trying new things and most of all they are not afraid of failure. In other to make something extraordinary happen, we have to be able to do something extraordinary. In other to make something possible, we have to be able to do the impossible. It is possible to be as great as our imaginations can imagine, As long as we are bold enough to try. It is always possible, as long as we put aside our fear and welcome just a little more boldness. Anything and everything is possible.
The difference between a custom edition and a limited edition is one major thing, a limited is made in limited batch for a limited time, a custom is individually made for a specific person. A Limited edition is the exact same thing as a couple of other people in the same area, state or even country. A custom edition may be similar but never the exact same as anyone else, a custom cannot be completely duplicated. We as humans are all custom made, individually and uniquely perfected. YOU CAN NOT LIVE THE SAME LIFE AS ANYONE ELSE. YOU CAN NOT HAVE THE SAME STORY AS ANYONE ELSE. YOU CAN TRY BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE ANYONE ELSE BUT WHO YOU ARE CUSTOM TO BE. YOU ARE A CUSTOM MADE EDITION.
We live in a generation where being a clone is the in thing. We all dress alike, talk alike, want to fit in and be apart of as much as we can. We want to be a boss (without working hard) and know everything about anything, As long as we are apart. We insert our selves in other peoples lives and relationship, just so we can be able to say “yes i know, i was there”. We go around with masks and recorders pretending to be who we are not just so we can record information from as much people we can. We put in so much work and effort to try to fit in with the world, try to be like everyone else and try to be apart of everyone else life. We are so afraid of standing out that we work twice as hard to fit in and sadly still fail.
If we put in as much effort as we do in pretending and lying about who we are and what we know, We would be worth so much more than what we are now. The energy that we put in trying to be like everyone else, trying to be apart of places and things we don’t belong in, that energy is taking from YOU. No matter what edition anything is it can always be better and more polished. Any edition could be enhanced and perfected. We are busy monitoring others and the advancements, additions and even the deletions in their lives we put ours aside. We secretly watch them and start to alternate our lives around them whether by hating them or by loving them. Stop taking away from you, start working on you. Custom made editions are PRICELESS, limited editions can be auctioned, negotiated and traded. Stop living in someone else shadow, Step to the front and steal the show. No one ever praise how great the puppet is, all the praise always goes to the puppet master. PUT ALL YOUR ENERGY IN YOUR OWN LIFE.
There is a thin line between admiration and obsession.
It 6:00 am in the morning and your alarm is going off, you are going to do one thing or the other, snooze the alarm for another 5 minute and continue your sleep or dismiss the alarm and wake up. The people who decide to snooze for that extra five min take a chance of falling back asleep and not hearing the other alarm to wake them up. We wake up in the morning taking chances, from waking up, to deciding how the day is going to go for us. Just as we make that decision every single day, that’s how we take the chances on what takes place in our lives and how we react to everything that the world throws at us.
To plant flowers or any type of plants we automatically just plant a seed and believe that the plants will grow, as long as we do our part, making sure we water the seeds. Without the consideration of the soil and the weather, we plant. Without thinking of the location or the weeds that may grow in that area, we plant. We plant and give it a 100% attention, we watch it closely everyday and when we see any weed starting to grow we immediately root it out before it spreads and kills the growth of our plants.
That is exactly how life is, We can only take chances and hope that the best outcome will come from any decisions we have taken. As long as we watch it closely and immediately remove any threat or harm that comes close to those chances. We have to be patience enough to watch our chances blossom into something greater than us, something greater than our expectations. Nothing spectacular was made without a great chance, nothing amazing was discovered without someone taking a chance. Patience grows our chances into perfection. The relationship you took a chance on will work out. The job you moved 7 states away for will work in your favor. Take a chance on something, water it with attention and love, put your all in and be patience, then sit back and watch your world change because of one chance.
Dedicated to My Bold and Courageous One.
Its hard now but i promise you everything will work out.
We have all had moments of weakness in our lives, Moments of weakness concerning other people and the way they treat us, the way they love us and even the way they care for us. It isn’t always that they are not doing enough, it could be that their definition of giving us love doesn’t match up, So then what do we do? Do we stay and hope that one day they will change, and the love and care will be enough for us. Do we lower our expectations? Why Cant we ask for more love? ITS NOT BEGGING I JUST WANT MORE.
Never Beg to be Loved, *sad* but very true.
No matter who you are, you have something someone out there is searching for, they are looking high and low for you, ready to give you everything you have always wanted and even more. The world is like a giant puzzle and we the people are the pieces. We all connect with our friends and family in a special way to make a perfect picture. The more connection the better and bigger and more detailed the picture becomes. A puzzle could have a thousand pieces but with one piece of the puzzle place in the wrong place or missing out of the picture then it wont be as beautiful and it will be INCOMPLETE.
You and I are apart of a bigger picture, Begging to be love is like begging to be forced into the wrong puzzle. Don’t beg to belong where is not meant for you, It could be your family, your friends and even your significant other just be patient. You belong somewhere with people who are waiting for you,waiting for you to complete them. You are needed to complete a beautiful piece.
You are a one of a kind piece.
Through change a Caterpillar turns into a butterfly, Coals are made into Diamonds, and a girl is made into a woman. The Problem is not the change, change is always needed. The problem is what takes place between the changes. If a caterpillar does not eat or receive any of the necessary requirements to be a butterfly, even tho its destined to be one then the caterpillar will die off. If the right amount of pressure is not applied to a coal then it stays a coal.
Change is necessary for everyone. it could be something as small as cutting your hair to cutting off your friends. What ever community you were raised in gave you a pattern to think. I am a Nigerian girl in american, There is no such thing as bad grades, a social life outside of the community or your assign activity groups in school (That is if you allow to have that). Tattoos and piercing are signs of being rebellious. The only religion that exist is the one your parents have practiced and introduced to you. Relationship of any kind before a degree is a sign of you not being serious or taking your future seriously. They expect you to change but in the steps that they have written down for you to follow.
That is NOT how change works, Change comes to everyone differently and its crazy but if the changes do not come the way we were thought it would come, we feel as if we are failures. A change is a change no matter if you had a child before a degree or you get married 10 years after your degree. Take your time and change. No one has lived life the exact same way as any one else. The changes in our lives will happen whether we want them or not. Embrace your change. Accept your change. Love your change.
* repeating chat in my head *
I AM ENOUGH, I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH, I AM ENOUGH.
For the past two years i have been fighting a war within myself, (a war that i feel like each battle was lost). A war of making sure that everything i do is correct, everyone i come in contact with is pleased with me and my actions. So that means even when i am uncomfortable and not happy as long as everyone is, then its okay. I paint a smile on my face and hold my head high, repeating the chant in my head, and as soon as it start to rain and i feel the paint fading and washing away i immediately re-apply but never forget the chant in my head. I told myself everyday and every spare moment i am enough but it didn’t help, It didn’t help because i didn’t believe a word of it. I built multiple fake relationships with friends and associate, i kept myself hidden from the world in fear that indeed i was not enough. I wasn’t enough for myself but i wanted to be enough for the world.
I stopped the chant. I stopped the fake smiles and remind myself if it doesn’t make you smile then it not worth it. I developed a relationship with myself, i was happy with me and i forgot about the world, i forgot about their opinions on my life. I found joy in being Enough for myself . There is a lot that comes along with being at peace with ones self, you find that everything starts to work out for you. As long as you are ENOUGH FOR YOU.
today message was brought to you by,
ATELOPHOBIA- the fear of never being good enough